Midsummer Madness ... with Barbie -- Rockin’ ‘Round the Eleven O’Clock and Straight Past Midnight

Okay, kids. Listen up. Time for a part of this shindig that I like to call Barbie’s Life Lessons. Gather ‘round in a circle and don’t touch my Manolos. Ready? Here it is: Parties are about personalities.

I know, I know. I promised you fashion commentary, and my agent’s off in a corner somewhere having a myocardial infarction as we speak, but you didn’t really believe that was all you were going to get, did you? I mean, you can’t take a model- veterinarian-aerobics instructor-pediatrician-paratrooper-ballerina-astronaut-Star Fleet Officer like me, put her in a box and expect her to stay there. Oh, no. I have things I want to do.

And right now, I want to point out some of the crazy things that were going on last night in the Glen as the fey wine began to flow.

Exhibit A: Pants-less Pirates Ahoy
Yo-ho-ho. The man spent the first two hours he was there (yes, Stephen Kidd, I was watching you!) trying to get a pair of clueless ladies named Diana and Janie bum-over-elbows drunk and working up to the part at the end of the hour where he Spontaneously Had To Strip. But here’s a little secret for you, girls. He didn’t really need to get drunk to be persuaded to fling off his pirate pantaloons and run around jiggling his doubloons at everyone. He would have done it anyway. He just wanted to get you drunk enough that you’d think it was funny.

Apparently, it worked because Diana joined in and Janie left us with one of the quotes of the night: Bloomin’ knickers!

Exhibit B: Gimme Two Shots of Tequila. I Need One for Each Hand
The place was flowing with local wine (see Exhibit A), but that doesn’t mean there weren’t some hardcore partiers there, as evidenced by Bjorn (forever after dubbed The Horned God) Andrews hunting down the hostess, Lilliana (Natural Woman) McClae, to ask her where the tequila was. While he was off raiding the booze hoard like a Viking warrior, his companion, Ivanya chatted up the hostess about things he saw in the trees. Classic misdirection. He kept her looking up while he looked down the front of her bodice. So predictable, although I will pause here to add that the man would have to be made of steel not to want to look at them. Hell, I want to look at her bosoms, just talking about them now, and I definitely prefer my G.I.s named Joe.

Ivanya got the second quote of the night: “Hold still! I am following your customs. Do not be disrespectful.” Context: body shots. Oh Em Gee.

Just as predictably, that little party crowd grew once the bottles opened. Our Favorite Bohemian, Thorne gravitated their way, as did the adorably blonde Ducii (I still do it better),Rekah (GORGEOUS lace minidress!), and a virile little number named Rick Halliburton, who can sing to me in the moonlight anytime, thank you very much.

Where was I? Oh, yes. Moral of the story. Who am I kidding, there is no moral here. Tequila is bad, okay? Ask Marc when he gets back, if you don’t believe me. 

Exhibit C: Politics Really Does Make for Strange Bed-fellows
They say the best revenge after a breakup is to look fantastic, although in my book, it doesn’t beat getting the Dream House in the settlement. If that’s so, the Governor’s ex has nothing to worry about. The leader of our city, Fionna Helston al-Amat, disappointed by following the pack with a handkerchief hem and hoop earrings. The shoes were all right, but she committed the public-eye equivalent of hari-kiri by breaking Rule Number One: Look like you want to be there.

The best that can be said is that she left early, but not before leaving us all with this little tableau to speculate on: the new governor chewing the fat with politico-twinset Audrey and Magenta Horne. Audrey, bless her heart, was three sheets to the winds by that time and spent most of her time attempting to defy gravity by staying upright. She graced us with the third quotable moment of the night: “You should get naked too. I'm going to as soon as I figure out how to work zippers again.”

Magenta just looked like she wanted to bite Fionna’s face off. Not in a good way, either. Jealousy perhaps? Ooooh.

Exhibit D: Chestnuts Roasting on an Open Fire
Who thought this was a good idea?
1.) Drink a lot of booze.
2.) Drink more.
3.) Take off your clothes.
4.) Leap across a bonfire.
5.) Repeat.
So I can sort of see the naked pirate thinking this might be a wise thing to do. I can even allow for the possibility that his crazy missus might encourage it. Birth control? I’ve heard nuttier ideas on that topic. But, Rhiannon Brock, normal girls do not try to encourage their gentlemen friends to singe those bits off by JUMPING OVER AN OPEN FLAME. Good for you, Eregor, for managing to talk her out of it in a way that made her think it was her idea, proving that you’re swimming in the deeper end of RhyDin’s gene pool than the average pirate. And Charlie Sheen.